Stop Scaring My Wife!

First off I would like to thank everyone of you ladies who have encouraged my wife in this amazing and miraculous time by telling her she can make it through this pregnancy and that everything will be okay.

To everyone else who have been filling her head with horror stories: you suck!

My wife is now 29 weeks pregnant. That means she is pregnant enough for people to tell just by looking at her. Every day for the past three weeks my wife has come home, stressed out to point of overload, that our baby will have some kind of deformation, or that my wife should just give birth on a tarp since there will be so much blood, or just the fear of her body being left mangled beyond recognition. I then have to talk her down from her ledge and convince her that everything will be fine and we will overcome any issue that comes our way, if any.

After two hours of calming her down, she finally tells me the real reason she is feeling this way: You. You women who, for some odd reason, have to share with her your horrific birthing story where your lady bits tore an ungodly amount and how you couldn’t walk for three years.

Nobody goes up to a man who is getting open-heart surgery and tells him that they know a guy who had a terrible accident while under the knife and died on the table! What makes giving birth so different?

What’s even worse is when you get a group of women together and it becomes a game of whose story is more emotionally disturbing! “I was in labor for forty eight hours,” “Oh yeah? Well I had to wear diapers for three months after I gave birth! Couldn’t hold anything in!” “That’s nothing! I…” I’ll stop there and save you guys the horror of what I had to hear. Why do you do this to each other?

But I think the topper on the cake is when it’s a stranger in public… and I’m there too, hearing about all sorts of things I never wanted to think about. I now know more about the under-carriage of the lady from Petco than I know about my own wife. “You won’t even recognize what you see down there.” Then they look at me and tell me I have to get used to hearing this kind of stuff. No, you’re wrong. I didn’t need that mental image of a freight train ripping through your hooha. If it happens to my wife, then I’ll be okay hearing about it. Have a little discretion! I don’t know you!

I do understand that everyone needs to be prepared during this time and I’m not telling you to fill her head with lies but come on! Soften the blow! Don’t tell her about the odds of stillbirth. Don’t tell her about the odds of bleeding out after the baby is born!

Also, What To Expect When You’re Expecting: You Suck! I don’t know if there has ever been such a negative book about such a positive topic! They tell you not to be stressed because it has a negative effect on the baby but then they tell you you’re baby’s odds of survival!

For now, my wife and I will be practicing our breathing techniques, listening to soothing music and avoiding Petco. If you see us out in public, tell her something positive about her or your pregnancy or just keep walking.

Thanks! D.W.


2 thoughts on “Stop Scaring My Wife!

  1. The very first time you look upon your newborn child and hold them in your arms, all pain, if any, magically disappears. All you feel is pure JOY! LOVE! an overwhelming sense of peace and happiness.


  2. You do realise that males are licensed to remain completely ignorant of all matters relating to child birth? I mean, I admire your courage, but you really should be using this time to get your affairs in order and prepare for the impending doom of parenthood.

    Liked by 1 person

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