So your wife is pregnant and soon two will become three. You knew going in that attention would soon be divided and you would no longer be the main apple of your spouse’s eye. But you thought, hey, I’ll still have ten months just the two of us, right?
Wrong! Little do you know, your wife is harboring a child of mass destruction, hell bent on dividing mommy from daddy.
I know, it sounds like I’m going crazy. You’re probably thinking I, too, am getting pregnancy paranoia. But I assure you, loyal readers, there are telltale signs that your unscrupulous unborn is plotting to steal your wife right from under your nose!
That’s right, my daddies in waiting, your expectant spouse could be growing a finagling fetus, who has his eyes on the prize. What’s the prize you ask? Your wife’s undivided attention. Your pre-infant ain’t so innocent.
Here are Four signs that your infant of intrigue is trying to Sabotage your Marriage.
1.Only Kicks for Momma
Are you diving over dinner tables, scrambling over sofas, or running through rooms just to get a fetal fist bump yet all you get in return is your baby momma’s belly? No matter how long your sweaty palm rests longingly on your wife’s breadbasket, that baby doesn’t even hiccup. Yet he’s watching, because the moment you remove your hand that baby will turn into Bruce Lee, kicking her like a rag doll. It becomes a game for the two of you. See who can wait longer. The only problem is you have to work, eat and move… He does all of those things from within! He’s got the upper hand! This is a game he was born to win (though he’s not actually born yet…)
Your wife feels the baby everyday, even waking up in the middle of the night with a little tickle! But there is one time you can always count on the baby kicking…
You know how it goes. You and the wife just had a romantic evening, dinner and a movie. It feels as if you were brought back in time, back to when you two were kids yourself and had just started dating. Emotions are running high. You’re busting out all of your old moves and she’s falling for each one. If only you still had your old Letterman Jacket you wouldn’t have had to go any further than the backseat. Then, right when you go in to seal the deal, BAM! Baby’s awake and kicking right in the utero. The unborn booty-blocker is awake right at the most inopportune time. Whether you got a literal gut-punch or just symbolical, both leave you as the odd man out.
3. Nap Time
It’s Friday night. No work tomorrow, no alarm clock, and no responsibilities. You and your wife have plans to binge watch the whole second season of Humans on Amazon Prime. Bedtime? Where we’re going we won’t need bedtimes. But as you get the popcorn ready, you notice the living room is oddly quiet. You walk to the couch. She’s not there. You check the bedroom. Nope. Because she’s in the nursery, sleeping on the daybed Your once late night binge buddy has become siesta sidekicks with her unborn besty. The worst part is it’s only 7:30! I guess you could always try watching the Walking Dead again, since that’s how you feel. Dead inside.
4.Their Eating Habits
This is where it hurts. Eating was your thing. The two of you were always connecting over food. She opened your eyes to the glory of home-cooked meals and you opened her mouth to donuts and fritters. No matter how old you got, how many arguments you’ve had, or how distant you’ve grown apart, you would always have food.
Until now. This baby has changed her. She is now eating the weirdest, most disgusting things and then combing it with Tabasco! Who does that? She is no longer interested in steak and potatoes, she’s eating olives, cottage cheese, and an entire bag of Doritos for dinner… Because the baby wants it… and now you have to fend for yourself since no normal human would eat that crap.
So, there you have it. I’m sorry to tell you but if you have any of these four symptoms, your wife is already gone. There is no use in fighting, he will always be her number one. The only thing you can do now is accept it.
The bright side is you’ll get over the jealousy and he will be your number one too.
I hope you guys enjoyed this bit of bad news. If you did, Like, Comment, and Share! It helps out a ton!
P.S. If you liked I’m sure you will enjoy the Ten Commandments of Pregnancy!